i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
