Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
