I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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