Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize