Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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