So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
pray to the hookup gods
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
