sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
cat food counts as protein by the way
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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