yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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