he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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