How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize