I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
