she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He passed out mid-signature
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
