I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
