i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
