Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
