Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
