i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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