I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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