Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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