please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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