Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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