I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
