I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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