I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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