**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
