But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
