i just sent this text using only my big toe
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
