While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize