I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
