my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
