remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
