you guys were way drunker than both of me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
