don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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