I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
