Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
