please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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