the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
