i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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