So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize