why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
