mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize