So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
