3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
