No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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