I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
