im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize