they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
