What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize