Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
