I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
