We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
