I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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