I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize