oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize