And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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