I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
