She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Boobs are out for the taking
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
