Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
