you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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