I wish I could teleport
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
