Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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